My car has a dress code
Washed the car for a date. Didn't wash my hoodie. Apparently the vehicle was the one trying to make a good impression.
Big feelings. Little secrets.
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This meeting could have been a thought.
Unmuted to say “this quick chat could have been a thought” while making toast. Manager said “fair feedback”. Now I have to facilitate the next one. Negative aura.
I became a charging weather reporter
Bought an EV and started telling people what percentage I got overnight. Nobody asked. My family now knows my battery better than my job.
Our group project has three ghosts and me.
One person added their name in a font bigger than the title. Another said “looks good!” to a blank slide. Deadline is tonight. I am academically single-parenting.
Per my last emotional breakdown
Drafted 'as previously mentioned' and spent five minutes deciding if it sounded hostile. Went with 'hey!' Now I sound delighted to repeat myself.
The dishwasher has become our third partner.
My husband says I load it wrong. I say he could load it himself. We have now held two kitchen summits over one spoon. Married life is so romantic, guys.
The essay document collection
I have six files called FINAL. The seventh is called PLEASE. None of them contains a conclusion. Academic weapon? Academic casualty.
Waved back. They were waving at the person behind me.
Tried to turn it into a hair adjustment. My hair was tied up. Then dropped my lunch. Just a normal Tuesday collecting aura debt outside the canteen.
The permission slip archaeology
Found the permission slip in my bag after the excursion. It's travelled more than I have this term.
Bro put our situationship on a performance plan.
Asked what we were and he said “let’s revisit in three months”. Bestie, am I your girlfriend or a probationary employee? The benefits package is literally one hoodie.
The soft launch missed its audience
Posted two coffee cups to hint at a date. Friends asked which cafe. My romance was reviewed as a beverage recommendation. Hard-launching caffeine, apparently.
Meal prep cost me one meal prep and a takeaway.
Bought ingredients to become a new person. Got tired from carrying the bags. Ordered noodles. The spinach is now judging me from the fridge. Financially, this was a side quest.
The towel disagreement lives on
My husband thinks one towel can last forever. I think it should meet the washing machine occasionally. Twenty years together, still negotiating this textile.
Apparently I am the family IT department.
Fixed one Wi-Fi issue in 2019 and now every printer, remote and suspicious pop-up is my responsibility. Mum just asked if I can “restart the cloud”. I have a literature degree.
Mum's voice note opening credits
Mum sends a voice note, says she doesn't have much news, then covers every neighbour and vegetable in the garden. I listen to all of it.
My gym membership is a monthly donation.
The gym sent “we miss you!” and I felt more wanted than I have in weeks. Still didn’t go. At this point I’m funding someone else’s character development.
The sale that cost me money
Bought something because it was forty percent off. Did not need it at a hundred percent off either. Maths was not the issue. Financial flop era confirmed.
Camera on. Professionalism off.
Joined a video call dressed for leadership from the waist up. Stood up to shut the door. Duck-print pyjamas. Nobody said anything, which somehow made it worse.
The parcel opening ceremony
Parcel arrived and I forgot what I'd ordered. For fifteen seconds I was my own mysterious benefactor. Past me ate, present me pays.
I paid tuition to say “sorry, wrong room”.
Sat through 40 minutes of a lecture thinking the course had taken a bold new direction. It was engineering. I study media. Nodded the entire time like the dean personally invited me.
The group chat poll scandal
Made a poll to choose dinner. Everyone voted then suggested somewhere else. Democracy is struggling in our friendship circle. The group chat has negative decision-making aura.
Love is patient. The blanket situation is not.
We wrote our own wedding vows and somehow missed “I will not roll myself into the entire duvet”. It’s 3 am. He’s a burrito. I’m a cold tortilla. We’re buying a second blanket.
The fridge shelf treaty
We've divided fridge shelves fairly. One housemate's sauce collection has quietly annexed mine. Negotiations begin after dinner.
The presentation left my body before I did.
Practised all night. Got up and said “good morning, slide”. It was afternoon. The slide was a title. My friend gave me a thumbs-up like I was landing a damaged aircraft.
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